|Subj: In regards to the upcoming gift-giving season.
Date: 12/5/2004 4:11:44 PM Eastern Standard Time
To: firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com
I'm not really Christian, but I think I damn well deserve a lump of coal this year. Now, before you bring me less-than zero and penalize me for being Jewish and all, I think you should just hear me out. The fact of the matter is that I'm friggin freezing here. Rumor has it, albeit not the cleanest of fossil fuels, coal is quite efficient at producing heat. I am in desperate need of heating here in my snug little icebox of an apartment. True, I understand as a given that your Christian sense of charity and stuff may not extend to us heretic folk. However, it would be greatly appreciated if you would just take me into consideration when distributing your stock of coal amongst the naughty little children of the world. After all, what is more naughty than a non-Christian writing a bitingly sarcastic letter to a big fat man that clearly doesn't exist simply to mock the entire ordeal of your most sacred holiday? Don't you get it? I'm a God damn menace to Christian society. Bring me some coal (and should you have any iPods left over, well, I wouldn't object).