To whomever it may concern:
I would highly appreciate if you return all the useless crap that you bothered to take off me at gun point last night in front of the empty Boarshead parking lot. The stuff is really worth a lot more to me than it is to you. Like that money clip; it's silver with a really low grade gold band. Maybe you will get two dollars for it. I'd be willing to buy it back off you for ten. Do you see where I'm going with this? Everyone is a winner. Take for instance my dental card. Surely, you will get little mileage of out of my dental card. You don't even know how to get to my dentist's office. What are you going to do with that? I'll give you three dollars for that. The replica whorehouse token that was in my wallet, well, you can keep that. That's kind of funny and it never really did me a smitten of good. Maybe you will have better luck. Anyway, you can keep my ATM card also. It's cancelled. Doesn't do you much good now. My student ID card is going to cost me five dollars to replace. I'll give you six. And albeit my drivers license is free to replace with the NYPD complaint report number, I'd be willing to pay ten to get that back. My cell phone is insured and being replaced for free, so, once again, it's yours. Besides, it will be nice not being able to receive calls for a couple of days. No one ever calls but my mother anyway and I need to get my thesis done. Lastly, you know that dollar you took from me? If you shove all the aforementioned items far up your ass before returning them, I can turn that one dollar into two dollars. Yes, two shiny Sacajawea dollars for your trouble. Then again, I doubt you will take me up on my offer. You apparently are not very bright individuals. First off, what are you doing robbing two dirty looking white boys in the East Williamsburg industrial park? Did you really expect to get more than a dollar and change between us? You see, if I were you, I would go somewhere to rob people where they actually have money. Now, maybe I lack experience in robbing people and don't know better, but that is just my educated, four years worth of college, guess. Just think that one over a bit the next time you decide to go robbing people in East Williamsburg. Now I may just be a collegiate simpleton that has never been in a gang, but I really think I could have done a much better job holding people up than you did. First of all, for one, on an unrelated note, I'd like to assume that I am smarter. I can read. I can even write. I can even combine the two and graduate from college. Secondly, and more to the point, if I were you, I would have been smart enough to have taken my backpack. You see, when people have backpacks they generally have stuff in said backpacks. Now, I may be just a simple, college-educated boy that has never taken place in a gangbang or drive-by, but it would be fair to say that I realize that a backpack can contain much of value. It can have a computer in it. I can have the first three seasons of Friends on DVD. It can have some serious bling-bling. My backpack had my notebook, my thesis project, a copy of "Stranger in a Strange Land", a Leatherman tool and my iPod (amongst other things). You fools totally missed out on nabbing my iPod. Do you see where I'm going with this? You should start taking my advice before I stop giving it away for free. I really shouldn't be giving away my collegiate-level problem solving pro bono. After all, I am in debt and you people now have my dollar. Next time you need advice, I'm going to charge you a two dollar consultation fee. Consider this letter an act of charity work. I thought I should help you. You seem like you need some. Clearly the school of hard knocks is not doing their job well these days. Have you homies ever thought of attending real college instead? Maybe some day, if you rob nineteen-thousand nine-hundred and ninety-nine poor white boys, you can earn enough money to attend college yourself. You can read, can't you? I suppose you can. At least, I hope you can. Otherwise this letter is more or less pointless. Anyway, if you are capable of reading, I would like to reaffirm that I am rather annoyed by your impertinent behavior. What were you really expecting when you pulled a gun on two dirty looking white boys? Were you really planning on getting more than a dollar and change? Are you having fun with my thirty dollar cell phone? You basically have wasted both our time. You, on one hand, walked away with virtually nothing and had to spend the rest of the night laying low from the police. A perfectly good night of looting and plundering wasted on us. And I, on the other hand, had to borrow my neighbor's phone to spend the night canceling my own phone and my debit card. Yes, the debit card with about forty-three dollars left in the account. What the hell were you thinking sirs? I'm as poor as you are. No, I am poorer than you are. After graduating tomorrow, I will be twenty-thousand dollars in debt. I take that back. As of last night, I will be twenty thousand and one dollars in debt. Actually, I don't suppose that my stolen dollar puts me any deeper in debt, but it sure would have helped me out of it in the long run. That dollar could have put me at nineteen-thousand nine-hundred and ninety nine dollars closer to relieving my debt. Every penny helps. I suppose that is why you took my pocket change as well. I believe you got an additional seventy-two cents. Don't spend it all in one place. I'm sure its too late for you to heed to that warning. Is bazooka still five cents a piece? I'm sure you got a lot of it with that kind of loot. So, while you all sit around and chew on your little pink wads, I want you to think over a couple of the key points I made. First of all, when you rot your teeth out on that crap, my dental plan is still useless to you. Secondly, speaking of my dental plan, I would really like my card and all that other crap back. Third, I will be willing to pay a fair penny for most of it and will even double your dollar to two shiny Sacajawea dollars if you shove it all up your pathetic, desperate, ghetto asses first. I hope you live long enough so that we can meet again and discuss this over tea.