Mr. Paul Goldberger:
Some months ago, I went through the harrowing process of censorship. I suppose it has been for the good of everyone. You see, certain powers that be felt that my colorful narrative was a bit overbearing for public mass consumption. In other words, they felt that the description I was offering of my thesis project for the Design and Technology Show was a bit much. As I have learned after four years of college, with any situation that may require a bit of negotiation, I tried to stick unyieldingly to my guns. We debated the finer points of the English language through about three revisions. Anyway, after some discussion they finally broke down and said, "Look Randy, what happens if the dean of Parsons were to come to the show and read this?" To that I answered, "As far as he is concerned, I'm not even graduating. If he has a problem with it, he can talk to me. I would be more than happy to have a word with him." After some more discussion it was made clear that it did not work that way and as such, out of respect to various Design and Technology administrators, I decided to tone down the bombasity of my embellishments. Any which way, that little anecdote is simply to point out the fact that I am still quite annoyed... no, rather, I am quite pissed off that the dean of Parsons, that being you, does not even know the departments in his own college. You were the only Dean in the entire University to not only make this blunder, but to make this blunder twice. Even upon correcting yourself in regards to the illustration department, you still forgot to call out the first ever BFA Design and Technology graduating class. My parents were quite upset that after spending eighty thousand dollars on my education, I was cheated out of the one small honor that I am afforded. Yes, I was deprived of the honor of having my department called out during commencement ceremonies. That night, I spent a good part of the evening trying to calm my parents down over this blunder by reassuring them that you were an incompetent nincompoop. At least that is what I would assume having never seen you before in my life up until that week. Really, where do you hide? You must be sleeping in one of the blacked out auditoriums all day. I've noticed some university employees like to do that. Actually, you probably get paid too much to do that. You probably get paid enough that you could just stay in bed all day and people would just assume that you were at a meeting. Maybe that would explain why I've never seen you. Clearly you have never seen me or any of my peers or you wouldn't have had completely forgotten that we attend the educational institution that you oversee. Even by looking at the commencement program, one can tell that you plainly have little regard for the student body. You may wonder what I may mean by this. Well, allow me to tell you Mister Goldberger. What I mean by this is that of all the schools under the New School umbrella, only the dean of Parsons refrained from selecting a student to represent the school during the commencement ceremony. This would lead one to simply believe that either you don't care to do your job, don't care about the student body, or even more embarrassingly, a combination of the two. From the looks of it, it would seem that the latter is the case. Look, if this job is too hard for you, I would be more than willing to take your place. For one, I can name all the departments that make up the Parsons community. Secondly, I will not hesitate to say that I personally know more members of the Parsons community than you do. Third of all, I am sure that I am in attendance at Parsons a lot more than you are. Fourth, I am clearly better dressed. And lastly, my name has a far better ring to it. It sounds more dignified. Yours has one too many syllables. Nothing personal. I am not recommending you change it. I am just informing you that mine sounds better. Anyway, that's really none of my business and I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. Then again, maybe I am not sorry if hurt your feelings. You hurt my feelings. Yes, I was quite hurt by my exclusion from my own commencement ceremony by someone that should clearly know better. Yes, the head honcho, that being you, should know better. At the very least, being that you clearly blundered, you should have offered a formal apology. Are there no standards? As a Parsons alumnus, it is painful to see my alma mater run with such rampant imbecility on the highest level. I want my Parsons diploma to mean something and not be tainted by the embarrassing behavior of its key representative. The only solution is your dissolution. That is why I am writing this letter. I think it is your duty and honor to commit hari-kari. Well, metaphorically speaking. It is for the common good of all students, alumni and staff that you abdicate power and disappear off into the sunset. There's probably some nice community college in Delaware that needs a director for their art program. I'll put in a good word for you.