To whom it may concern:
I duly respect the religious mission of The Creation Museum. It is about high time that someone praised the greatness of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ's finest work thoroughly and accurately. As far as I am concerned, no museum to date has hit the truth of the divine creation as square on the head as you have. That is why it is with the utmost respect that I am writing you today. You see, I have in my possession a prime specimen of one of God's rarest and most exquisite creatures, the jackalope. It would be my greatest honor to donate one of God's greatest creations to The Creation Museum. I don't mean to create a stir, but I would like to do my part in furthering the true understanding of the natural world in a way in which most, if not all prior museums have failed. Just last week I was in New York's repulsive Museum of Natural History. I snuck in through the planetarium entrance. My employee pass expired in December and that is one of the few, if not only, public entrances where one does not need to swipe their ID's barcode. This little fact was learned because I would often return from having had lunch at Rays pizza through this entrance and no one would ever stop me to swipe my card. I later learned this was due to the fact that there was no scanner at this entrance. I think I may be talking in circles, I am sorry. Anyway, the point I am trying to get at is that the Museum of Natural History is under the ludicrous impression that the Earth magically formed some six billion years ago as a result of a fluke in random space-matter colliding to form a big ball. Then through a highly improbable and quite silly string of events, life just sort of mutated into being until there just randomly happened to be people sitting on the beach in Miami. It doesn't make sense. What makes even less sense is the fact that when asked where this random space matter came from, the museum is under the impression that some thirteen billion years ago, a magical vacuum bag in space accidentally ripped open, spilling all this space junk onto the floor of a perfectly clean and empty universe. Now, being a devout, faithful and pious man, I know much better than that. That story, first of all, can not hold true because cleanliness is godliness and everyone knows God's finest work is the creation of the world in seven days. How can he create a perfectly ordered and rational world in seven days if there was a chaotic mess of universe for him to sort out? It just doesn't add up. When I proposed, that in the spirit of Christmas, the museum should make it add up and redesign their exhibitions to give the Shepherd of our eternal souls His proper due, they all but scoffed. When I, as an employee of the exhibition department, attempted to take initiative and move forth and do it myself, the museum revoked my employee status, helped me clear my desk and quite coldly escorted me from the premises. That is why I now have to enter through the planetarium when I visit that shameless repository of deceit. That is also why I now have an exquisite sample of God's great creature, the jackalope. Shortly after being fired, I did a very unChristian thing out of desperation and devotion to the Lord. Basically, one night, shortly after closing, I slipped nonchalantly into the museum with some impure intentions and slipped quietly out with a divine example of jackalope. I would return it to the museum, but after being fired and escorted off the premises, they said they would press charges if they saw me around again. I can't just mail it back and anonymously leaving it on the doorstep is quite risky. However, when I heard of your museum, church bells rang in my head. It was all perfectly clear. Rather than return the beast to the pagan heretics who undoubtedly could never appreciate the greatness of God's glory, I would return this treasure to the one beacon of truth that still dares to spread the good word throughout the land. Undoubtedly, your museum is the ideal new home for this fine specimen. It is with the greatest respect and the will of God that I make this offering for your collection. Please inform me of the best method of delivery and allow me to pray for you.