To: Info.email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, Greg.email@example.com
Subject: Beauty loves company.
Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2006 11:59:45 -0500
Beautiful People of Internet Land:
A web designer with any common sense would not design a website that works exclusively with Internet Explorer. Not to mention, an internet user with any common sense would not be using a browser as insecure and unreliable as Internet Explorer. This leads me to believe that your site is not only full of good looking people, but extremely vacuous good looking people. As such, I want to join. Not because I'm handsome and dumb, but on the contrary, because I'm attractive and intelligent. Your website clearly is in desperate need of someone who will throw the IQ curve. So let's get right down to business and talk about the essentials - my appearance. I kind of look like Ace from American Idol and he kind of looks like a dude from a Levi's Jeans commercial. So, by the power vested in me, by the power bestowed upon me by modus ponens, I kind of look like a guy in a Levi's Jeans commercial. Hell, I may just be a scraggy twenty-three year old, but I can make botox blondes and anorexic angels turn in their heels. So you have to let me into your pretty person club. It would mean so much to me to be able to establish deep, lasting and meaningful relationships with all of these perfectly symmetrical people. All of these really wonderful, bright and shiny people. What they may lack in intelligence, I'm sure they make up for in natural physical endowment. And as the genuine bona fide article myself, I want in. Ultimately, my goal is to outwit and reproduce with as many of the pretty people as possible so I can spread my genes, Levi's and all, onward into the future. It is essential to carry on those traits that make us inherently human; that being our culturally defined beauty standards. And as someone of exceptional good looks and intelligence, I feel that I can use my reasoning ability to persuade countless pretty dimwits into propagating our indispensable beauty standard, one little bundle at a time. No, one extremely gorgeous little bundle at a time. Sometimes two at a time if the genetic code is right. The point is that you have amassed a database of women that it is vital that I mate with. It's such an important mission, that upon being informed of it, my girlfriend even gave me the go-ahead to knock up as many women as humanly possible. This is because she agrees that there is nothing more important to preserve than the western beauty standard. And after reviewing your poorly designed website, I know you must feel the same. So please let me in. After all, I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for all of the beautiful unborn babies.