Subject: In concern to psychic abilities and gestalt therapy
Date: Tue, 28 Mar 2006 12:08:04 -0500
The other day I was shopping online for a video that would help me enhance my inner psychic ability and couldn't help but notice your reviews on Amazon.com for Litany Burns' "Develop Your Psychic Powers." Unfortunately for myself and all the unsuspecting patrons of Internet Land, in neither of these reviews did you mention that you were personally involved with Ms. Burns. To top it off, I suspect that five of the other reviews were not written by "A viewer" at all, but by you. Honestly Joe, I feel betrayed by your fraudulent and biased claims. With one simple gesture you have broken the trust that was painstakingly built over the course of many long, expensive and seemingly never-ending sessions of group therapy. Is this how you want me to remember you, Joe? As an Internet con-artist? Okay, okay, so maybe I'm a bit of an Internet con-artist myself. Maybe I wasn't actually shopping for a tool to enhance to my psychic abilities at all. Maybe I was searching for you. Why on Earth would I seek you out, you may ask? Well I suppose I better explain myself. Initially I wanted to round off my year by writing a letter to the president. However, my girlfriend said I couldn't write to the president anymore. She said something was clearly wrong with my head. So, I figured what better way to round out my letter writing year than to send out a letter to one of my old psychotherapists. After all, ever since I started writing these letters I have been advised by many people to see one. Yet having already seen three in my lifetime, as far as I'm concerned, my mental health professional quota is full. Quite frankly, I am not contacting you for mental help but simply to get you to vouch for my sanity. The reason you were chosen for this task, as opposed to the other two mental health professionals I've frequented, was on the simple grounds that I chanced upon your business card while cleaning out my old bedroom in Rockland. So, by mere chance, it was decided that it was necessary to contact you to speak for my mental stability. But before this could be done, I needed to figure out how to contact you in the first place by a means appropriate to our digital age. Unfortunately you didn't have your email address on your card. So I did a Google search on your name. I often Google search people's names. There is no better way to find people's personal information than to do a Google search for their name. The point being, that's how I saw your deceitful reviews on Amazon.com and that is also how I got this email address. The same email address you used to register with Friendster. Did you know you have no friends on Friendster? Is this something you may want to talk about Joe? Have you ever considered trying to be more open to meeting people? You really have to worry less about what other people think of you. Honestly, I think if given enough Airheads and Tootsie Rolls we could work through this problem of yours. For one, I'll be your friend, Joe. Hell, I've been friends to far lesser people than yourself. I suppose that is a compliment. You should own it. I would be offended if you didn't. After all, I'm giving it away for free. I don't often compliment the people I write these things to. So clearly I'm trying to bolster your self-esteem as we work through these issues of yours. It is the least I could do. For years you helped me toss away my pillows which were supposed to be my fears I think, or maybe they were my worries or inhibition; I don't know. They weren't that heavy and they always just ended up on the floor and I never really felt any better for it, but you seemed to think it worked. It always seemed to please you to see your pillows scattered about. And as long as you were happy, it made me happy, because Joe, you are my friend. And even if you have no other friends in your life, real or virtual, and even if Noelle always picked on you, Joe, I respect you as a human being. Let me tell you, as far as I know, not that many people actually do, so you should savor it. Then again, it would be fair to say that I don't know all that many people, but I have probably about twelve friends on Friendster and thirty-one on Myspace and that is forty-three more friends than I know you have. No, I'll take that back. Litany is your friend, I think. So, the count is only forty-two that I know of. Oh and you did have that big dude who would come around to play chess with you, so I guess, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt in saying that I have about forty more friends than you. If you're paying attention to the math, you will notice I gave you an extra friend just there out of courtesy. I'm sure you must have at least three friends. You seem like a somewhat well-adjusted and active individual and people seem to like you. However, I wish you would come out of your shell more often. We really need to work through these issues you have, but unfortunately Joe, our session is up. You should really take some time and think about some of the things we talked about here and I'll be in touch with you again next year.