Subject: A party, and you're not invited!
Date: Fri, 31 Mar 2006 13:58:59 -0500

Dear Ismail Haniyeh,

First things first; I would like to state for the record that I do not know how to pronounce your name and I really don't care. With that said, the next thing I would like to tell you is that I'm throwing a party and you're not invited. I really see no reason to invite you. We never met and I don't think we share any of the same friends. You dress in suits and I dress in blue jeans. You meet with world powers and they don't even return my emails. You live in Palestine and I can't even find Palestine on the map. I've been searching for a while now. One afternoon I thought I found it in China's Hebei Province, but as it turned out I made a translation error. Not being able to actually read Chinese I mistook Pingquan for Palestine. Truth be told, I can't read Arabic either. And I suppose my illiteracy is good reason why I may not be able to successfully find your country. Yet, even when I look at all the English translations of Arabic speaking nations of the Middle East and North Africa, I still can't seem to find it. Don't get me wrong, I can find Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Syria; Iraq, Iran and Dubai, but somehow, nowhere at all can I seem to find Palestine. It's just not there. I mean, really, it must be located next to Kurdistan or something because I can't seem to find that either. What is with you Middle Easterners and your invisible countries? Yet, who am I to judge? When I was twelve I proclaimed my bedroom its own sovereign state, assumed leadership, drew up its own constitution and created its own currency. It was fun for a while, but only for a while, because then it got boring. I imagine you're going to get bored ruling over your invisible state sooner or later. Do you know what is infinitely more fun than ruling over a country that you penciled onto the map yourself? I found that to be Nintendo. Do you have a Nintendo? I think you should get one. This isn't because I want to impose my western value system on you or your imaginary state (Nintendo is Japanese) but because you seem like a guy who isn't very fun. Maybe if you played Nintendo you would be more fun. And maybe if you were more fun you would stop jibber-jabbering about your desire to obliterate Israel and lighten up a bit. You really seem like a man who needs a fantasy outlet for your genocidal tendencies and I think Nintendo would be the perfect release. Speaking as a friend, I really think it could do you a lot of good. Maybe if you safely channeled these psychopathic desires, I might even invite you to that party I mentioned earlier. So let me know if you decide to release your irrational aggression through the mediation of a consumer-tested gaming console; and that way I can decide as to whether or not to mail you an invitation. Also please give me a mailing address somewhere other than Palestine. I don't think the postman will find it.