To Whom it May Concern:

It was recently asked of me, and, for that matter, everyone else on this list, "who the hell uses aol?" I have given this much thought. Aside from myself, I couldn't immediately think of anyone. Then I remembered, back when Paris Hilton's address book was leaked all over the internet, I recall taking notice that Conrad Hilton was, in fact, an AOL subscriber. Not only was he on AOL, but his username was, of all things, C-Rad. At the time I considered adding him to my buddy list, but then I realized that I had very little to talk about with Mr. C-Rad Hilton. And for that matter, I really did not know much about him other than he has a badass screen name, more money than anyone I will ever know and is somehow related to Paris Hilton. Come to think of it, I don't even know how he is related to Paris Hilton. Is he Paris' father? Grandfather? Second cousin? I clearly don't know the man. Therefore, there really isn't even much of a reason for me to contact him. What hope is there for us engaging in mutually pertinent conversation geared towards the reciprocal enrichment of our respective characters? So, instead I tried to call Eminem or someone with a similar enough haircut (Fred Durst, maybe?). It's hard to tell boring haircuts apart. Any which way, his number was turned off. I guess too many other people already had too little to say to him. Or maybe, he had too little to say to them. Speaking from experience, it's hard to tell with celebrities. None I have ever contacted have thus written me back. I have no shortage of things to say. It must, therefore, be that they don't have anything worthwhile to respond with. Anyway, I digress. I'm supposed to be answering a simple question... or something. Alright, so the question is, "who the hell uses aol?" To reiterate, I was curious myself. Thus far I have only established that I use it, Conrad Hilton uses it and there is very little common ground between Conrad Hilton and myself. In fact, I usually go through my existence giving little thought to the fact Conrad Hilton even exists. And I can say with a fair amount of certainty that Conrad Hilton probably doesn't even know I exist at all; but there I go getting sidetrack again. Answering questions... Answering questions... Let me answer the stupid question. And make no mistake about it, the question that I am answering is a stupid question. Who still really cares who uses what email provider anymore? Does it really matter? Maybe it does. I don't know. I mean, I wouldn't know. I have better things to do than think about the social significance of my email service. Truthfully, the problem of selecting an email service consistent with my lifestyle choices doesn't keep me up at night. No, much like how my thoughts never turn to Conrad Hilton, I don't give the matter of my email address much thought. However, when it was suddenly brought to my attention today, I started to give it some consideration. Who in the hell does use AOL? I investigated the matter. Apparently, Dr. John Russ uses AOL. He provides "image analysis consulting & training." Some bed and breakfast in the UK has an AOL email address. I don't even understand that. What is America doing online in the UK? Or rather what is the UK doing on America Online? And does Conrad Hilton know about this? I mean, does anyone know of this? I know the person who posited this quandary clearly is unaware or they wouldn't be asking. I also know I didn't subsequently know because I wouldn't be investigating this if I had. I am willing to wager that Fernando Cerejo doesn't know about this either. He's on AOL too, but he's too busy posting to message boards about how much he loves Liv Tyler. And for that matter, does Liv Tyler have an AOL account? She is, after all, an American and I bet she has been online at one point or another. So, I wonder, has she been American Online? Thinking about this makes my head hurt. So far I have established that only myself, Conrad Hilton, John Russ, and Fernando Cerejo are American Online. The UK bed and breakfast doesn't count; not being American and all. I only found four people. I guess this doesn't really answer the question. There must be more than four people using AOL. Anyway, this is where I give up and if you were wise, you would too. I suppose you can continue to sit around wondering who the hell else uses AOL, but why would you want to? Why would you even dwell upon such thoughts to begin with? Why would you even posit such thoughts to other living human beings that have better think about than AOL users such as Conrad Hilton, some medical imaging technician named John, Fernando and myself? Oh yeah, come to think of it, why would you even ask who the hell uses AOL when I clearly do? The answer was in front of you all this time. I use AOL. And, do you know what? I could care less. Come to think of it, I'm tired. I don't want to think about this anymore. Thanks for wasting my time pondering over your aimless question. Please, should you have any more uncertainty in your life or as I suspect, simply need to vent pent up aggression, let me know. I am just as happy to reciprocate pseudo-anonymously through the electronic interweb.